The 5 Brides You Become When You're Planning Your Wedding
1. Pinterest Patty: Everywhere you go, you see mason jars, burlap and chevron patterns. During the week, you can be found collecting weeds and broken robin’s egg shells from your backyard in preparation for your upcoming weekend-long flower crown crafting girls’ retreat. Your bridesmaids (the only ones invited to aforementioned ultra-exclusive party) kindly play along with your newfound creative energy until they catch you in your craft room at 2am on a Wednesday, surrounded by leftover milk gallon tops, 60 yards of twine, and Krazy Glue, mumbling about “something blue” between frantic sips of homemade lavender-infused Kombucha lemonade mojitos, at which point they stage a Pintervention.
2. Color Palette Connoisseur Carly: You’ve downloaded seven different color-matching apps to ensure that any hues spotted in the real world can be accurately captured and converted into a string of indecipherable numbers and letters on your phone, lest you forget exactly how much Cyan was in the sky on January 3rd, 2015. Your well-meaning friends send you all the wrong photos and swatches, and you retreat ever deeper into the depths of Pinterest and the Instagram search page—the only places where “dusty smoke teal with touches of gray and gold” and “rustic Southern farmland peach infused with a hint of pink” still have any real meaning these days.
3. The Serial Engagement Ring Flasher: You know it’s wrong, but you can’t help yourself. It all started with the classic Instagram engagement shot—the ring, beautifully positioned atop your on-point manicure (holding an artisan cocktail from the bar where you went to celebrate your engagement, for a unique twist). From there, things started to snowball—you watched as the photo racked up 97 likes, your ego growing more falsely inflated with each one—and before you knew it, you were flashing your new bling to the bus driver, the barista, and any other innocent civilians you made more than .0005 seconds of eye contact with.
4. Budget Betty: Despite your background as an Art History major with a Women’s Studies minor, your brand new knack for Excel formulas has turned you into a full-blown amateur economist. You have seventeen spreadsheets and an entire Google Drive folder dedicated to your wedding budget, color coded and punctuated with articles you found on The Huffington Post about personal finance. If you were a math-focused superhero, your catchphrase would be, “Do you have a food and drink minimum?”
5. The Male Opinion-Miner: Known in some circles as “Indecisive Irene,” you deeply want your future husband to participate in the decisions regarding the day you two commit to spending the rest of your lives together. But you don't want him to reluctantly chime in just because he knows you want him to participate - you want him to want to participate. However, uninterested in chair backings and flower to foliage ratios, he can be found in his natural habitat—on the couch, playing NBA 2k14—nodding his head every 5 minutes or so as you painstakingly explain how the choice between posy bouquets and cascading bouquets is going to have a profound and lasting effect on the next 70 years of your lives together.